Suvir was born on a Friday evening. After everything that had happened, Suvir was taken to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). Sunay was torn whether to go with our son or to be with me. I was inconsolable and overwhelmed with helplessness of my baby being taken away from me! He could not understand who needed him more. But I asked him to go with Suvir while the nurse, Amy, who I had bonded with over the past 12 hours stayed by my side despite being at the end of her shift.

A couple of floors down in the NICU, Suvir was extubated in a controlled setting and Sunay was able to get some pictures of our little guy without any tube down his throat or any mask on his face. This is the most precious picture that I have of him which I am sharing! The reason why it is so precious is that this is the ONLY picture I have of Suvir as a “newborn” without anything on his face.

Sunay hurriedly came back to Labor and Delivery, packed whatever belongings we had in the room and we rushed to get me settled into the recovery room after which he went to the NICU again.

Instead of cuddling with my newborn and taking it all in, I was separated from my entire family. I was empty just like the room I was in. I was in physical pain, which was only a fraction of the anguish I was going through mentally. I didn’t even know how much my baby weighed or how tall he was.

Suvir was born at 38 weeks. My pregnancy was full term. If I were to be delivering early, I would be more prepared to accept that he was not by my side getting skin to skin, bonding with his mumma, keeping his body warm against mine as secure and safe who he had been with for 9 months. Instead, he was far away from me where I didn’t even know if someone was holding him, or if he was crying and looking for the familiarity of my touch, voice or warmth? We know how much a baby needs its mother after entering the world. But the mother needs the baby just as much to over come the trauma of birth. Thats her way of healing. Thats her reward!

Soon, I spoke on the phone to my parents to bring Rihaan to the hospital. I realized that I had no little brother to show to him. The plan was for Rihaan to come to the hospital to meet Suvir and record his reaction, take lots of pictures with the two boys and then kiss him farewell for the night while Sunay and I would have to stay back.

But now, I had no baby to show him, no story to tell him, no answers for the questions I was sure he was going to ask. I had looked forward to this moment for so long where I could watch Rihaan’s reaction at meeting his brother. Would he be excited and happy? Would he be jealous right away? Would he not care at all?! Would he talk to Suvir and sing to him or pull Suvir’s hair or just stare at him indefinitely? But now, I realized I didn’t even know when Rihaan would be able to meet Suvir? Infact, after what Suvir went through, fighting like that for his life, I realized I didn’t know IF Rihaan would meet Suvir.

St. Peter’s doesn’t allow children younger than 6 years of age in the NICU, not even siblings! So, even though I had laid out the big brother tee that Rihaan was supposed to wear before I left for the hospital, there wasn’t much of a point to have him wear it. (I wanted to save that special tee for the special day, when he would meet his little brother). By this time Sunay had made his way back to my recovery room. Rihaan came in, saw me and gave me a smile that stretched ear to ear. I fought my tears back, but inside I was shattered and broken. My heart was so heavy! Rihaan saw me in the hospital gown, in the hospital bed with swollen eyes and he sensed that mumma needed a big hug from him. It was as if he could feel my pain and knew what I needed at that very moment! Usually he is all about daddy and would have run to give Sunay a hug in a heartbeat. But though daddy was in the room he only cared to give me the longest hug ever! He did not ask me any questions. He just simply looked at me between hugs!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I spent some time with him. I read him a book. I tried give him as much attention as possible following the advice I had received. Ultimately, I had to kiss Rihaan a goodnight.

I was exhausted and needed rest. My body was begging me to rest. But I wanted to see Suvir too! Thankfully, St. Peter’s NICU has a neat camera setup where parents can see their newborns remotely. So, Sunay and I turned it on and tried to get some rest.

This was how my baby spent his birthday; separated from his parents. Happy? Birthday Suvir!