On September 26th our dearest little Suvir passed away and is now an angel watching over our family. I have tried my best to avoid writing this, thinking about this for the past 2 months but it doesn’t seem to get any easier. With lots of courage, I want to continue telling his story, even when he has left us mid way. Suvir was just 15 months old but he left behind many incredible memories. He also left behind a huge void that will remain forever. I know already that the grief of losing him is a burden Sunay and I will carry in our hearts for the rest of our lives. Suvir suffered a lot,  but he smiled right through it all and that was a testament of the strength in the heart of my little boy. This strength is his legacy and my inspiration.

The moment Suvir entered my life, he changed it forever! I grieved everyday for 17 months for lost opportunities many of which I have already detailed in previous posts and some of which I have yet to speak of. Thought it might get easier as time passes but it’s actually getting harder. How many times am I supposed to change my “new normal”? The overwhelming sadness creeps upon us unexpectedly and how it just flashes with memories and pain. Many days I wonder if this is reality? Death is inevitable, but a child’s death for a parent is just not fair! I read this somewhere…

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow.
A husband who loses a wife is called a widower.
A child who loses his parents is called an orphan.
There is no word for a parent who loses a child.
That’s how awful the loss is.
– Jay Neugeboren – An Orphan’s Tale – 1976

With Suvir’s passing I will now grieve for the fact that I can no longer look at his beautiful face and gorgeous eyes and I can no longer pick him up and play with him and I can no longer feel his soft hair in my face and I can no longer smell him on my clothes like I once could and I can no longer see that love for me in his eyes and his face light up at the sight of me..his mother. And now he has closed his eyes forever. I will no longer have 2 boys in my arms, a family of 4! At the age of 33 everyone around me is adding a family member, where as I went backwards, how is this fair? I question this everyday. My Suvir will be my eternal grief. I will have to live this life while missing him everyday…a part of me no matter how happy will always always have that shard of grief of not knowing where my Suvir is. That is somehow my debt to pay.

I still truly hope and pray that wherever he is, he is happy and more importantly free and at peace. Sometimes, what gets me through the day is a belief that someday I will see him again. That someday I will be reunited with him and be able to live a lifetime with him that I could not in this life. And in that distant alternate future, I hope that I can have the honor of being his mother again. That…will be my salvation and the only way in which SuvirStory can come full circle.

*Below are some of the last pics we have of Suvir where he is smiling and interacting and doing the thing he loved to do… just simply look at me!

Sunay and I wrote a little poem for Suvir that I am sharing here. Its titled Suvperhero.